But Not Before He Tripped
by caitgraz
Summary: Humor. Appreciative spoof on Harry Potter. Really random! PLEASE REVIEW! Sorry for some mistakes. I can't fix them 4 some reason


**But Not Before He Tripped**

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" screamed a very startled Ron Weasley. "What d' bloody hell do you think you're doing Hermione!" Hermione was standing directly over Ron's five-poster bed, directly in his face.

"Be quiet you bloody piece of rubbish! You'll wake the other boys!"

"Hang on one bloody minute. What are you doing in the boy's dormitory?" Suddenly Neville Longbottom woke up.

"Oh my GOSH a GIRL!" Neville tried to puff out his chest but nothing happened. "What are you doing in here?"

"Be quiet Neville, and get your eyes off me, I was trying to have an intelligent conversation with Ronald here.

"Well" said Neville not at all offended "Okay I'll just get up then" Neville got up only to see Hermione staring at him Neville got very happy. "Heyyyyyy" said Neville

"Uhhhhh" slurred Hermione

"How 'bout me and you go down to get some porridge together?"

"Will you shut up Neville!" screamed Ron

"WHY DON'T YOU!"screamed Neville. "A member of the opposite sex finally looks at me and you get all jealous!" yelled Neville

"YEAH RIGHT NEVILLE" screamed Ron, very jealous of Neville.

"WILL YOU TWO BE QUIET HARRY IS STILL SLEEPING! GOSH!" screamed Hermione

"Sorry" said Ron

"Sorry" said Neville

"Thank you" said Hermione "Now any way, Neville…"

"Ha Ron she choose me"

"No"

"Yes"

"NO"

"YES"

"Neville. Ron. Stop this rubbish. Neville I must tell you, you look extremely different" "Yeah I've been working out"

"No Neville, look at your bottom." Neville slowly looked down. All Ron and Hermione could see was a huge, LONG, bottom.

"Bloody hell" stuttered Ron "Neville what happened?"

"Oh shoot," said Neville " My bottom has grown long. Wow 3 feet. I only estimated 1.5." "So this is normal?" asked Hermione.

"Totally" answered Neville in a thick British accent. "Happens to Gran all the time, it should go away in a matter of hours."

"Well I'll be off. Oh and Hermione if you want to join me I'll be…"

"Shut it Neville, I'm with Ron right now." Ron went pink, Hermione noticed "Ron, when I said with you I didn't mean "with you" so don't get your hopes up" Ron turned red.

"Right. Right. I knew that. I went pink because… um… I put blush on."

"What?" said Hermione

"Yeah its this stuff I found at Zonko's. Neat ah?"

"Well Ron," said Hermione in a deep French accent "It does turn me on a bit," Ron went really pink. Suddenly Harry Potter woke up.

"Ahhh morning world (well the little people at least) here I am, the wonderful Harry Potter, famous for defeating Lord Voldemort with only a scar to spare!" Ron and Hermione just stared at him.

"Alright Harry?" asked Ron.

"Fine Fine, Ah.. Hermione splendid to see you this time of day what is up?"

"Harry are you okay? You don't seem your self. Maybe we should talk to Professor McGonagall…"

"No you silly girl. What is your obsession with teachers? Are you in love with them or something? Well "Cheerios" than. I think I'll go hang with the "cool" crowd. Byeness" Harry walked right out of the dormitory with only boxers on. "Oops" said Harry as he ran back in. "Got to put on my "cool" robes on" Harry put on his funeral robes. "Well I'm off then ta ta."

"Ron, did you notice something strange about Harry?"

"Yeah, now that you mention it. But I can't put my finger on it…" Hermione rolled her eyes. How could she have chosen such a loser to like? There was famous Harry Potter or rebellious Draco Malfoy. Besides she can get any man she wanted with her gorgeous locks and intelligent brain. But there was something about Ron, she 'liked'. Maybe the desperateness of him she just was longing to fill. She loved filling people's souls. Then occasionally destroying them. Just like Neville.

"Hey Hermione" said Ron

"Yes" she answered, walking over to Harry's bed and sitting on it. Yes she loved the feeling of fame.

"Do you realize something?" She looked around. She spotted it to! On Harry's bed was a strange blue bubbling liquid that had gold specks in it.

"Yes I do oh my gosh how could I have not noticed it before!"

"YEAH" screamed Ron a little over excited. He was really happy she noticed it.

"This would explain Harry's behavior," she said.

"Yeah" said Ron "I would feel uncomfortable to" Hermione frowned

"What do you mean you would feel "uncomfortable"?" Ron was puzzled. The answer was obvious.

"Well if I could tell my best mate and best girl mate wanted "alone time" I would feel uncomfortable to."

"Ron, what do you mean 'alone time' I am talking about the goo on Harry's bed… Hang on what are YOU talking about?"

"Uhhh" stuttered a very nervous Ron "I was talking about the same…thing?"

"Rubbish" said Hermione. She knew what went on in Ron's head. Nothing. That it what. "You make me mad Ron" Ron did not mind. He liked it when she got mad. It turned him on.

"What is that stuff" asked Ron

"Ron don't you pay attention in Herbology? Its really obvious. It is puteulanus goo ut has aurum maculosus ut planto a alio volo ut exsisto amicus per a alio is would Northmanni nunquam exsisto amicitia per. DUHHHH! This goo makes the first person too inhale it first, instantly want to befriend the person who made it! "

"Zut alors" thought Ron "How did I forget. That was an easy one."

"Come on" said Hermione we have to save Harry! Malfoy must have got on it in his bed some how. We have to help him!

"Right!" screamed Ron. Ron ran to the door. Tripped. Got back up, and stopped. "WAIT" Ron screamed. He ran back to Hermione "We need code names!"

"Really Ron" said Hermione "That is so first year."

"Please" Ron begged. Ron got on one knee (much like a proposal) and said "Please Hermione I beg of you, for all that is good let us have code names."

"Fine" huffed Hermione. Hermione sighed. Secretly she really wanted code names. But Harry always said no when they went on an adventure. It went unsaid, but he was in charge. But now she was. "But my code name has to fit me well...humm" Ron interrupted her train of thought by shouting. "RON! YOU INTERRUPTED MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT BY SHOUTING! CAN YOU TALK SOFTER PLEASE!" Hermione screamed.

"Sorry Hermione. Any way I thought of my name. Get ready. It's TOO cool. Okay? 'Canary 4'! Isn't it great?"

"Oh yeah. Its great" said Hermione half smiling. "Not" she thought. "Okay my turn… mine will be…Brilliant Beauty" Ron stared at her.

"Okay BB."

"HUH" screamed Hermione on the top of her lungs "No its Brilliant Beauty not BB," "What ever you say BB" said Ron giving her a thumbs up. Hermione was mad. But she knew Ron enjoyed it when she was mad so she remained calm. "Fine. Brilliant Beauty calling Canary 4. Let's rocket." They both fled the room. But not before Ron tripped.

**Meanwhile in the Great hall **

"Yo. Yo. Yo! YO!" said Harry to Draco Malfoy. Malfoy slowly turned around. "Potter you talent less twit. What do you want?" snarled Malfoy, jealous of Harry's talent. "Well Malfoy, I decided to ditch Weasel Bee and the Muggle born and decided to see if I can hang with you guys" Malfoy was really excited that Harry was asking this he nearly busted a tube. His plan has worked! But he remained calm. "Sudden change of heart eh Potter?"

"Yeah dawg. You are way cool. Beside you would be even cooler with me as you best mate. We can rule the school brother yo" Malfoy did not know Harry talking funny would be a side affect. But for the next few days Potter would be his right hand man. "Okay Potter you can hang with me. Crabb. Goyal. Get some V8 splash to celebrate." They were just leaving when Harry stopped them "Wow wow wow. Hold it there. This is a celebration!" Harry was now talking in a thick Italian accent. Like a mob boss. "We need V9 wave," Malfoy gasped. He had never gone that heavy before. But he had to be cool in front of Harry.

"Yeah cool" After some V9 wave. Malfoy and Harry walked down the hall. Everyone moved away from them. Including Professor Flitwick (who looked rather scared).

Meanwhile with Ron and Hermione 

"Ron. Ron. RON!" Ron was looking at a wall. Just a plain old wall. He liked the wall. A lot. "Ron! I'm over here you twit. Now please, we need to find a teacher" Ron walked over, but not taking his hand off the wall.

"Okay BB what should we do?"

"Well" she responded "First we need to run to the library, and research the goo."

"Does that mean I have to leave 'wall'?"

"YES," shouted Hermione come on. Ron and Hermione were just running past the painting of Sir Dunkin Maxamillion, when Fred and George Weasley passed by. They all stopped.

"So" said Fred "Ron, going on another 'trip to the library' Lavender is in their…." Hermione was mad. Again. What did Lavender have to do with any of this. She was going to rip her brains out.

"George, Fred, we are kind of in a rush…"

"Hold on their little lady," they both said while each pulling out a lasso and swinging it in the air suggestively.

"Before you go, check out Percy's badge. Its bloody brilliant".

"Great" replied Ron, who was checking out yet another wall. Ron and Hermione hurried down the hall but ran in to Percy.

"Watch it prats. You'll scratch my 'Head Boy' badge!" Ron and Hermione looked at the badge. It read 'Big Boy' with a picture of a diaper on it. It kept growing larger every five seconds. "Where are you two off to? Where is Harry?" Ron thought fast.

"He's with Hermione!" Percy stared at him "Few it worked" thought Ron. Ron looked to his side to check out his muscles. The he saw something. He had none. Then he heard some one sigh. He looked up. Oops.

"Ron you complete idiot! I am right here! I've been hear the whole time!"

"Shoot" said Ron "I should have noticed!" Ron lowered his voice to a whisper "But the wall was well…don't be jealous.. was sending me hints" Hermione sighed. Again. She looked at Percy.

"Sorry. he banged his head and I am taking him to the library, so he can get proper medical treatment."

"Good," said Percy shining his (even bigger) badge. "Makes perfect sense. Good thing Ron has a mate like…" Percy was cut off. He was distracted by two first years walking on the wrong side of the hall "Hey," he shouted "You two! Listen up! I'm Head Boy!" Percy tried to run but his badge was wearing him down. Hermione ignored him. She grabbed Ron's hand and finally made it to the library. She rushed up to Madame Pince's desk. "Madame Pince. I need a book on puteulanus goo ut has aurum maculosus ut planto a alio volo ut exsisto amicus per a alio is would Northmanni nunquam exsisto amicitia per." Madame Pince looked up through her half sun spectacles.

"Row 12. Shelf 7. Bright orange book" "Thank You" said Hermione. She was glad Madame Pince was so helpful. Hermione grabbed the book and opened it. She saw what she needed right way.

"Canary 4! Over here!" Ron came running forward. But not before he tripped.

Meanwhile with Draco and Malfoy. 

"Hahahahahahahahah" laughed Harry with glee. "Wow Draco! Torturing first years is fun! With my great magic powers I can do any thing!" said Harry, now flipping a little first year girl in the air.

"Yeah," agreed Draco "Try doing the bicep curl twist. That's how I got my muscles. To bad Weasel Bee never tried it." Harry laughed. He tried the 'bicep curl. The first year went flying into a tree.

"Cool" said Harry calmly. Suddenly Harry felt a twinge of guilt. But it went away fast. "This is great" thought Draco "Every one respects me now that I am with Potter. That goo really worked."

"Hey Malfoy," asked Harry as he just dropped another first year into the lake "Lets do sometime else. This is boring." Malfoy loved doing this. But he a had to go with Harry

"Sure like what?"

"Well, I don't know, how about…girls?" Girls. Girls were something Malfoy was good at tormenting. But actually being well…friendly? Not so good.

"Why?" Suddenly Harry shook. A small piece of goo fell out. "Oh no" thought Malfoy "The potion is wearing off early. I got to think fast".

"Well" said Harry "Why do you think? You have talked to girls before haven't you" This was a side affect of the goo. The person under the spell would start acting the complete opposite of them selves.

"Yeah. Of course lets go" As they started to leave Draco notice Harry's eyes go fiery red.

Meanwhile with Ron and Hermione

"Ron this is it! The key to braking the goo spell! All we have to do is suggest things Harry loves to do, them slowely he'll remember who he really is and who his friends are!" Ron stared at her. There was a HUGE spider on her face.

"BB, there is something on your cherubic face that is running its charm."

"WHAT" shrieked Hermione as she smacked her had against the spider. "What is it!" Ron saw the spider die. There was still some on her face. Suddenly Neville came up. "Hermione you have something on your face. Let me remove it." said Neville. Neville took his thumb and wiped the stuff of her face. "S'all gone babe" said Neville as he then put his thumb in his hair trying to smooth it out. The leftover spider was not making it easy.

"Neville" Ron said "You have spider in your hair,"

"WHAT" Neville screamed like a girl! "Sorry Hermione but our date will have to take a rain check bye!". Ron stared at Hermione.

"Date?" he said

"What?" said Hermione "He wants me, just like half the boys in this school. Now come on lets go we have to save Harry!" Hermione ran out. Ron followed. But not before he tripped.

Meanwhile with Draco and Harry in the Great Hall

Draco followed Harry up to a group of girls. Malfoy was nervous. But he was a pureblood and nothing was going to stop him. "Hey witches," said Harry, still in a mob boss voice. "It's me the famous Harry Potter, I defeated Lord Voldemort at the age of (drum roll) 1. With only a scar to spare!" The girls giggled "Please ladies there is enough of me to go around. Harry flashed a toothy smile. He knew smiling lessons with Professor Lockheart would pay off.

"How can I compete with that" thought Malfoy. He walked up to Melissa Felius, she had a witch mother and a muggle farther. Malfoy said the only thing he could. He tapped her shoulder and did a very mean smile. "Melissa so tell me, how is your filthy muggle farther? Bad I hope," He laughed. Melissa looked like she was about to cry. Drace loved that look.

"Wow wow woo, Draco, be nice to the ladies. So sorry dear here is a smile," Harry smiled this time his teeth shown even brighter.

Meanwhile with Canary 4 and Brillant Beauty (BB)

"Will you hurry up Ron, we need to save Harry," But Ron could not hurry. He was holding Percy. Percy could not walk because his badge had gotten so big.

"Sorry Brillant Beauty" Ron dropped Percy right in the crease where the stair cases move.

"Finally let's go." When they finally got down to the first floor, Percy was already down there laying face first on his badge. Ron rushed over to him. Hermione sighed.

"Percy are you alright?" asked Ron.

"No" replied Percy "I think my back is broken and my legs are under my chest in a very awkward way and my eye is jammed on to of the poing of a pen it really hurts could you possibly…"

"So you're okay? Good" said Ron in a hurry

"No Ron I am not I'm…"

"Sorry must be off, must save Harry, more important. Only he can defeat You-Know-Who you understand right? Well bye" Ron and Hermione ran off.

"Gosh" said Hermione "He acted like he was in excorticating pain or something" "Spoiled brat" replied Ron

"Hey there is Harry! Quick remind him of his life!"

"Harry" shouted Hermione who grabbed him by the shoulders "Listen to me! You know me you like me and deep down I know you want me! Try to remember the good times like when you flashed Professor Snape and when you dyed Ron's hair blue! When you took a picture of Madame Pince gazing at Lockheart's picture and making kissing faces. Please Harry I know you are in there!" Some goo fell off of Harry.

"Oh no my plan!" thought Malfoy Ron pushed Hermione out of the way. It was his turn. "Harry. Harry. Now listen up young man. Try to remember all those Christmas's when mum sent you better presies than her own son. Harry try to remember!" More goo fell off Harry. "It's not working Brillant Beauty!" shouted Ron

"RON YOU IDIOT YOU JUST GAVE AWAY THE CODE NAMES!"

"Oops sorry"

"We'll have to pull out the secret weapon," Said Hermione "Okay Harry we know you'll remember this. Then Hermione said three sayings

"I was here"

"I love chairs"

"Poof said the wand"

Suddenly it was like a whole "Magical Mystery Masterminds" story just clicked in his head. Harry saw Malfoy on his knees saying

"Nooooo" All the goo feel off Harry.

"Ron! Hermione! What happened?"

"Oh Harry you were under Malfoys spell, but once we reminded you of our greatest adventures with "Madame Figgiggir's Magical Paint in a Can" you came back. Oddly enough Ron was not cheering. He was thinking (for once).

"BB" said Ron "I know why I loved the walls, it was because I smelt my sent, you know when I peed on the wall."

"Oh right" said Hermione, but Ron was still puzzled. "But wait BB. If it was my sent, how come you weren't attracted to it?

Later that night 

"Well it was quite a night" said Harry "I did not even notice I was under a spell" Hermione and Ron smiled "Yeah" said Hermione "It took a lot to get you back to normal."

"Yeah" said Harry "So what did you guys do when you found out I was under a spell?" "Well" said Hermione "We did not panic we remained calm and then…" but she was interrupted by Ron.

"Then made code names!" shouted Ron. Harry stared at Ron "Mine was Canary 4. Cool huh? And Hermione was Brilliant Beauty…" Ron's eyes widened like he was transfixed on something. "OH NO I TOLD YOU THE CODE NAMES!" Ron jumped off his bed and ran to the door. But not before he tripped.

The End 


End file.
